If I expected great things out of every child that walked through my classroom door, it might become a self-fulfilling prophecy, even for the kids who had until then showed no promise at all.
When it comes to kids, it seems like almost all of them have a label now. If you don’t strive to provide one, school, the doctor, or your child’s own talents will. They can be both positive and negative—sometimes simultaneously. What should you do when confronted with a label?
Some context: my kindergarten daughter is gifted. I, too, grew up gifted before everyone had a label. In fact, there were only two that I can remember: gifted and the “r” word. I stood out, especially because once a week I was shipped off to the “special school” for gifted enrichment. Not only did I know the word, but so did all of my classmates. It was usually one of the first words out of their mouths when addressing me.
So when my daughter was identified earlier this year, I made the conscious effort not to use the word with her. I won’t until she uses it first (she will probably hear it at school; nothing I can do about that), and even then it will be sparingly and with official context. There’s a reason for this.
This great article from The Mother Company echoes something that I found out while I was teaching. A kid will become what you think they will become, and that becomes even stronger if you actually say what you think. If I expected great things out of every child that walked through my classroom door, it might become a self-fulfilling prophecy, even for the kids who had until then showed no promise at all. And it often did.
This tends to have the opposite effect on kids with positive labels. You often hear about athletes “not reading their own headlines”. It’s the same principle. Tell a kid they’re gifted often enough and they’ll start thinking they can do no wrong.
As Christopher Brown from the National Fatherhood Initiative puts it, negative labels can destroy self-worth. Positive ones can over-inflate it.
So what do we do instead?
Explain the label. The day will come when my daughter will learn that she is gifted and that’s why she is pulled out of class once a week. Hopefully she’ll come to her mother or I for some clarification. Don’t be afraid to treat your child like a person. Explain why they have the label, what will happen in the near future (if anything), and that being labeled something doesn’t change who they are or what they want out of their future.
Recognize effort, not traits. This works for both positive and negative labels. Instead of telling your child (or someone while the kid is listening) that they are really good at multiplication, talk about the effort they put into their math work. This also shows the child that math success isn’t some sort of inherited trait; if they work hard in English just as they do in math, they’ll have success there.
Be more specific. If your child does something, state it by name. Instead of chalking up a success to being gifted (or a failure to being autistic, ADHD, or whatever), state it by name. “Wow, you really know your stuff about World War II.” That doesn’t say anything about the kid being gifted. “Don’t you think you can improve your sentence structure?” That doesn’t say anything about the kid being dyslexic.