Monthly Archives: November 2014

Dealing With Someone Else’s Troublesome Child at School

Dealing With Someone Else’s Troublesome Child at School

Bullying is no longer looked at as a rite of passage.

Problem: Your child’s school experience is being negatively affected by another student. This could be something as serious as bullying or a new “friend” becoming a disruptive influence. What can you really do about someone else’s kid?

Solution: The stories that come home from school will sometimes frustrate or even scare you. Socially, school hasn’t changed much from when you were a student. There are still class clowns, cliques, and unfortunately bullies.

You might not think there is much you can do about what happens at school, but you can still have a positive impact for your child on these negative events. In particular:

  • Always listen
  • Always take their side
  • Know when to bring the teacher in
  • Remember what it was like, but don’t think your experience was the same
  • Don’t be afraid to use the word “bullying”

Always listen

Good parents know that most of the challenges that come with raising a child can be solved, or at least diminished, through communication. These situations are no different. Never minimize or ignore anything your child reports about school. If they don’t think you’re listening, eventually they will stop talking. That’s when the real trouble can start.

Always take their side

This one comes with an obvious caveat: if they themselves are disruptive or hostile, you understandably don’t want to support that behavior. But if they aren’t in the wrong, make it a point for them to know that you support them. Listen to their ideas. Agree with them as much as possible. Don’t be quick to try and solve the problem. Remember: when you’re a child, everything is a big deal.

Know when to bring the teacher in

Teachers are aware of much more than you might give them credit for. They know all about the social structure of the school, which kids are bad influences, and which are being negatively affected. That being said, they also know what they can do to affect the climate in the classroom and punitive steps that can be taken. It doesn’t hurt to drop them an email. But if they say they’re working on it, they probably are. The only exception is if you think your child is in danger; then talk to anyone who will listen—particularly with bullying.

Remember what it was like, but don’t think your experience was the same

Bullying, social pressures, and attention-seeking behavior have existed since the caveman days. You saw some when you were in school (and you probably still see some at work). But you should treat your child’s experience independently. What you or your parents did back in the day probably isn’t valid now. Help children make their own decisions and make your own.

Don’t be afraid to use the word “bullying”

Bullying is no longer looked at as a rite of passage. It is a serious situation and, in most states, a crime. Because of all of that attention, kids being bullied tend to minimize the situation and try not to refer to it as bullying. Perhaps they don’t want the attention that would come with the investigation process. Maybe they don’t want a friend to get in serious trouble. If you think it’s bullying, say so and coach your child to do the same. Then take the appropriate next steps together.

Maintaining the Balance: Making Sure Your Child Doesn’t Burn Out

Maintaining the Balance Making Sure Your Child Doesn’t Burn Out

There will always be time for work—about 40 years of it. But time spent together as a family is more valuable.

My daughter, a kindergartener, loves to learn. It’s her favorite thing to do and she’s good at it. She always wants to figure out the next step, whether it’s reading, math, or science. In a recent conference, her teacher had nothing but glowing things to say about her academics. When it came time for me to ask questions, my first was “Is she having fun?”

It’s important for me to make sure this love of learning doesn’t burn out—ever. That’s important if she is to reach her potential. Here are some ideas I’m trying to make sure she maintains a school/life balance.

Share one or more hobbies

If left to entertain herself, my daughter would either watch Netflix for hours on end or play on the educational apps provided by her school on her iPad. Everyone needs downtime, even a kindergartener. If that means I have to shepherd her towards fun, that’s what I’m going to do.

We recently got into geocaching. She’s now obsessed. It’s part scavenger hunt (fun) with academic skills like geography and spatial awareness (work). She now knows that we’re going to go outside and experience life rather than spend time in front of a screen working on our addition. And we’re doing it together.

Start or continue established traditions

Many families have routine traditions, like a show or two on TV that everyone likes. It’s a standing appointment. But as students get busier and more homework comes down the pipeline, they might be excused from the tradition so they can get their work done.

There will always be time for work—about 40 years of it. But time spent together as a family is more valuable. Put away your taskmaster hat for a little while and protect certain times that the student knows they can count on to be “off work”.

Don’t push—offer opportunities

My daughter has taken swimming lessons for years. She’s way past the point where she needs them to survive; she’s now doing them as an extracurricular activity. At least, she was. She doesn’t want to swim anymore. And that’s fine, even though she showed talent at the sport and could definitely pursue it further.

Kids who are serious about school are used to being pushed, even by themselves. They don’t need it with an activity that is supposed to be fun. Instead, we’re going to have daddy-daughter sports night on the nights she would have had swimming. We’ll try different sports and activities together. She might like one and want to focus there. She might like just getting outside and having fun. When it comes to activities, you are their provider, not their coach and certainly not their agent.

A Standards-Based Grading Primer for Parents

A Standards-Based Grading Primer for Parents

The new Standards-Based Grading is like a mile marker on a road trip.

By now, the first report cards have come home. You might have had a lot of questions when you saw your child’s, the first one being “Where did all the letters go?” If that was the case, chances are that your child is now being graded under a system called standards-based. Here are some answers to the questions you might have been too embarrassed to ask the teacher.

How does it work?

What is the ultimate goal of education? To progress a student through a curriculum, preparing them for the next year as well as life after they’ve finished school. Proponents of standards-based grading couldn’t see how the old letter-based system reflected that fact.

Instead of signifying the success (or lack of) a student had on a few tests and in completing their homework, standards-based shows on a scale (usually numbered from 1 to 4) where your child falls compared to where they should be at this point in the school year.

For example, say a “4” is the complete mastery of all of this year’s skills. At this point, roughly halfway through the school year, your child should be at a “2”. If they are at 0 or 1, they’re behind. If they are at 3 or 4, they are ahead. Simple.

How does the teacher get that number?

Another facet of standards-based is a desire not to move a student on until they’ve mastered whatever skill is currently being taught. Not all teachers work in this fashion because of pacing and differentiation challenges, but that’s the goal. If your child is with a teacher who is working like that, the number is simply a representation of where they are in the curriculum. A mile marker on a road trip, if you will.

If the teacher can’t work under the “everybody goes together” system, the number could be an averaging of numbers that signify progress on smaller assessments given throughout the term. Like on the bigger scale, if the student shows complete mastery of a test, they would get a 4 and so on.

What are the implications?

On a day-to-day basis, not much. Teachers still teach lessons. Students still need to learn skills in order to be considered successful. One thing that parents might notice is a scaling back of homework. It’s no longer needed to pad grades, so if it’s given it’s because the class needed extra practice on the skill in order to make progress. It might not even be “graded”.

In the bigger picture, it’s up to schools and districts to figure out how the system equates to measures like GPAs. Standards-based might only be adopted by a few teachers at a school, meaning once a student moves on, they might find themselves under the old system again.

Although it makes a lot of sense on the ground level once everyone gets acquainted with it, standards-based grading might prove to be another educational fad that will fall out of favor just as quickly as it came in. Maybe the logistical challenges are too great. But the bottom line is that kids need to work just as hard.

Making the Most of Your Parent/Teacher Conference

Making the Most of Your Parent Teacher Conference

Build a relationship with your child’s teacher.

By now, your child’s teacher has enough of a feel for each student that conferences become more frequent, or even mandated. Everyone comes into the room nervous, but there are some simple things to keep in mind to make the meeting as productive as possible for your child. And isn’t that the goal in the first place?

When to bring the student

Depending on the age of your child, you might not be able to avoid bringing them to the conference. However, from the teacher’s perspective, it’s best if you try to do so. That being said, certain conferences can benefit from the student’s attendance.

If the conference is about behavior problems, teachers actually prefer the student be there so they can make sure the student answers for the behavior in front of the parents, that nothing gets lost in the translation. Even the most disruptive student can be moved by a teacher/parent tag team.

However, if the problem is academic, try to leave the student somewhere else. Academic problems are embarrassing for the student to hear about at length.

Don’t get defensive

Teachers have neither the time nor the inclination to make up anything about their students. Trust that whatever is said in the conference is the truth and opinion of a trained education professional. Therefore there is no reason to be defensive. If something has gone amiss, it’s the problem of the student. You’re there to find a solution.

The blame game only escalates tensions and does nothing to help the student. In fact, if the result of the meeting is that the teacher and parents don’t understand each other, the child’s progress will be negatively affected.

Don’t leave without everyone having a plan of action

Just like a meeting you might have in your professional life, the goal of a parent/teacher conference is to figure out ways for everyone to move forward effectively and efficiently. That means everyone needs to know what they need to do moving forward.

It might be as simple as you agreeing to sign the student’s planner every night, or as complex as the teacher arranging some testing for a learning disability. Whatever the case, everyone needs to leave the room knowing what they will do to help the student be successful.

Build a relationship

Yes, this is a business meeting. Yes, everyone should try to be professional. But there’s nothing wrong with getting to know the person who spends at least an hour of their day or more with your child. Point out interesting decorations in the room. Discuss what each of you know about your child’s personal life (you’ll be amazed at what the teacher knows that you don’t). Treating each other like people can only help the relationship moving forward, which helps your child in the long run.